Parenting and Our Children's Emotions (Day 14 of 30)

Now that my daughter is approaching two, I notice her experiencing more of a range of emotions. She's happy, sad, frustrated, disappointed, goofy/silly, etc. I've also noticed myself anticipating her emotions and responding accordingly. Sometimes this is awesome because she gets me so excited with her happiness, but sometimes it's hard because I feel her sadness.

Lydia loves our pets, but at the beginning of the summer, we had to put down my oldest (and her favorite) cat. While I was sad because I had to part with her, I was more sad because Lydia was losing her favorite cat. Obviously Lydia has long forgotten about her (as this was about 8 weeks ago), but the hardest part of losing Emmy was experiencing Lydia's loss.

Emmy's last day with us

Well, today was another loss for Lydia, even if she doesn't fully understand it.  Lydia fell in love with her cousins Kayla and Kyra this summer. She'd wake up in the morning and say "Kay" and "Ky," hoping they'd be at our house that day. We went on vacation together at the beginning of the summer and she wanted to do everything with them. We went out to dinner to say 'goodbye' to them last night - they come down during the summer and every other Winter Break, but they live in Ohio the rest of the year - but I decided that wasn't enough. So today, we spent the day together. Lydia, Kayla, Kyra, and I went to Young at Art Children's Museum. We all had a genuinely great time! The museum focuses on recycling, so there are lots of different areas set up throughout with different projects kids can make using recycled materials. The girls made some nice projects, and I had fun making a few, too. Here are some pictures:

Making a recycled craft

Making Japanese kites

Digging for artifacts

Mr. Potato Head

Making recycled puppets

Leaving the museum

Out to lunch Mexican-style

 We went out for lunch after, and everyone enjoyed their food. I hope Lydia remembers her cousins and looks forward to seeing them this Christmas. I'm glad that she had big girls this summer to spend time with and look up to. I never had cousins when I was little (I just had my mom, dad, younger sister, one grandma, and one great aunt), so it's nice to watch her enjoy their company so much. We'll have to frame some photos of them together this summer and hang them in her room :-) I think she will like that.

30 Years Later - Have we moved forward?

Earlier in the year, my mother-in-law had a fire in her house. No one was injured, but it caused her to have to go through everything in her house. In doing so, she came across a lot of my husband's old papers, photos, etc. and gave him a big box of stuff. One thing she found and gave to us was his baby book. She kept really detailed information about his development until about the age of 5, which was so cool to read. She also included a guide that was given to new parents in the hospital, written by the American Academy of Pediatrics. I just wanted to share some of the information in this guide that was published back in the 1970s.

It begins with explaining how your baby is not a miniature adult:

• The bones of the head are soft and rubbery. 
• Your baby may have no hair - or excess hair all over his body. 
• The face is asymmetrical. 
• Your baby has poor vision. 
• The neck is short and supports the head poorly. 
• Extremities may twitch. 
• The skin has a purple-red color due to poor circulation. 
• Hearing is not present at birth, but appears within a few days.
• Babies can lose as much as 10% of their birth weight.
• Babies are born with their mother's hormones in the blood, which may cause swollen breasts, bloody vaginal discharge, swollen vagina/scrotum.
• Respiration is irregular.
• Spitting up is very common the first few months.
• The bridge of baby's nose is flat.
• Hiccups are common.
• Sleep patters vary in infants. Some may sleep 18 hours a day while others 7 - 8 hours.
• Bowel moments also vary greatly.
• The navel may protrude.
• The feet may turn in or out.

Before even mentioning breastfeeding, the next section is entitled "Formula Preparation." What?? Are we not even giving the mom a chance to successfully breastfeed? No information regarding the benefits of breastfeeding before promoting formula usage? This section discusses that it is no longer necessary to sterilize formula or boil water. You should use tap water to make 26 oz of formula at a time, which should be divided into 6 bottles. Scrub nipples with soap and water. Refrigerate. Warming the milk is unnecessary. Then it describes how to bottlefeed your baby and how to schedule feedings roughly while being open to feeding when baby is hungry. The only good part is that it specifically states "Never prop up the bottle and leave baby to feed himself."

Okay...here's a highly-disturbing section (I think) entitled "Friends and Visitors" - "Do your utmost to keep visitors and especially children away from your baby. The newborn baby is best kept as much to himself as possible. He should never sleep with you or with anybody else." Again, WHAT?! So the baby's father, grandmother, siblings, aunt, etc. should not interact with this child? Everyone should be kept away, and this insecure baby with poor vision and hearing (as described above) should feel lonely just laying by himself all night and day? Oh, that's right...this is for people giving their babies formula, which does not allow the baby to share the mother's immunity as breastfeeding would, so the baby's immunity is compromised, and he should be ignored. Sigh...

Finally, on page 5 of this booklet, breastfeeding is mentioned! Phew... It opens with "For maximum milk production - - your baby will be brought to you every three to four hours around the clock." While that is very important, shouldn't it really begin with "For maximum bonding and health, you should breastfeed"?? Most of the other information is actually accurate and beneficial for new moms - how to hold your baby while nursing, how to get a good latch, manually express if needed, be patient, wear a good nursing bra, etc. It talks about how you should not sleep through the night until at least the 8th week. I am still waiting for more than 3 hours of sleep at a time, and Lydia is almost 11 months old. And for some reason, after all that, it says not to weigh your baby at home. That's just odd. Just turned the page and found the best part yet, actually (no sarcasm here for a change): "If baby cries you MUST NURSE baby ON DEMAND. IT IS NORMAL DURING FIRST FEW WEEKS TO NURSE 10 - 12 TIMES A DAY!" (I think I still nurse this frequently.) This is followed by a sentence about how you need to offer your baby lukewarm water once or twice daily, but it's okay if your child does not take it. I don't think Lydia was ever offered water until about 6 months of age. I couldn't imagine offering a newborn a bottle of water. Isn't the whole point to provide your child with nourishment, comfort, and weight gain? How would water help with any of that?

The next section is on baby care, and it is still accurate. Here's the really amazing part -- no mention of disposable diapers, only cloth diapers. Intriguing! It's all about how to properly wash your diapers (doesn't even call them "cloth diapers") or to use a diaper service. One other thing I like that was in here was to not over-dress your baby. Your baby only needs as much clothing as you need. I see so many moms who dress their kids in full outfits and then wrap blankets around them - in the summer heat in Florida!  UGH!

So to wrap it all up...The biggest difference of all between the 1970s and 2010? "Most babies prefer to sleep on their stomachs with the head turned to one side." Definitely not a recommendation anyone would make anymore! Amazing how all of us turned out okay and we all slept on our stomachs. Now babies sleep on their backs and need positioners that warn against plagiocephaly (flattening of the head).

What do you think? Is the parenting advice given in hospitals better now...or better then?

Let the Reader Beware

This is a somewhat *taboo* concept to blog about, I'd guess... But I think it's so important. Here goes: Intimacy after baby is born. Without getting too graphic, something I have a tendency to do, I am actually quite happy with my life with my husband.

While I was pregnant, I was told I would hit some stage in my pregnancy where intimacy would be quite welcome. Well, I didn't hit that stage. I felt overweight and tired. Living in Florida and being pregnant during all of the "summer months" (you know, March through September) I just felt yucky and sweaty.  The whole labor/delivery process made me feel unattractive as well. It was sorta like my body was just a vessel for many unpleasant functions. And my husband was there to witness all of these less-than-desirable functions for over 9 months, from conception through delivery and beyond (as I healed from my c-section).

When the doctor gave me the go-ahead at 6 weeks postpartum, instead of feeling really excited, I felt more like "Great, now I don't have an excuse anymore." But once I got down to my normal weight and fit into clothing that made me feel cute and flirty again, my sexuality was revived. Additionally, once I started going out and having a social life again, a part of me felt like my 'old self,' which also made me feel more desirable and desired. I usually feel energized by social connections/events/conversations, and that energy has to go somewhere!

So with an infant at home, it's pretty easy to fit these...uh...extracurricular activities into our non-existent/flexible schedule. I'm guessing that once your child is a bit older or you have multiple children, it's more of a challenge. You also have to get pretty creative the longer you have been together to maintain and nurture that connection/interest in one another. We've been together almost 7 years (and friends for about 11 or 12 years), which is long enough to know each other quite well, but hopefully surprise each other every so often.

How do you maintain a level of intimacy once you have children? Do you struggle to do so or is that something you've been able to maintain even as a parent? I hope some of you are willing to share your thoughts/ideas. Thanks!!

On the topic of giving advice

Yesterday, I went to a former student's 7th birthday party. He hasn't been my student in two years, so it was awesome to be invited! I hadn't even seen him in about a year, but of course he remembered me and seemed happy to have me there. Anyway, his aunt was there. I had met her about two years ago. She was pregnant, and I said the following two her...

I have two pieces of advice for you: 1) Breastfeed. 2) Ignore everyone's advice, including mine, and do what feels right for you! It doesn't matter if that person is a doctor, your mother, a friend, etc. if it doesn't seem right, don't feel like you have to follow it.

She took it well and we chatted for a bit. She seemed happy with what I said. This advice was given about 5 mins after an older woman came up to me (while we were sitting in the shade) and said "You need to put a hat on the baby. That's what we were always told in the 'olden' days." I sighed, and said "She's fine" and that was that. I know I give out unsolicited parenting advice (whether in person, on Facebook, etc.).  I did last night on Facebook, and I was very happy to see that my friend had an educated, researched response to what I said. I think what's important to do is that when you do offer advice, you do so from an open-minded standpoint, rather than a know-it-all judgmental standpoint. Definitely something I will work toward. Half of what is said to people is all in the presentation, right?

So what's your best non-judgmental parenting advice? Have you found a good way to advise other mommies/daddies without sounding critical? Do you find most people are receptive if approached a certain way?