Every Birth Has a Story

by Carrie Wells, Ed.D.
I think everyone I have ever encountered in real life or cyber world knows how horribly disappointing my labor/delivery was with Lydia. I have been reminded many times over that it's not about the journey -- it's about the end result. The end result is that I had a beautiful, healthy, happy baby girl and I was pretty much back to my old self in less than a week. However, if the end result was all that life was about things would be a lot different.

"Oh, yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or learn from it." - Rafiki, The Lion King

I chose the latter.

Everyone knows about my desire to have a VBAC. I chose a supportive midwife who has had 2 VBACs and is very well-known within my community. At around 5:30 am on Friday, September 16th, I started feeling some contractions that finally felt like the "real" thing. It's hard to remember from one birth to the next the difference between the real contractions and false contractions, but once they come on, you know. That entire day I felt contractions - anywhere from 10 - 15 minutes apart. I tried to go to bed that evening, but woke up around 1 am with what felt like more serious, close-together contractions. I called my midwife, packed up the car, and went to the hospital. I probably didn't need to go that early, but they seemed so much more powerful than the earlier contractions, I figured better safe than sorry.

As soon as I arrived, I got my meds for the Group B Strep, which I responded well to. My midwife arrived around 3 am and told me I was only 3 cm dilated. I was definitely hoping for more than that. She wanted to break my water, but I was not ready for that. That was step 1 in my unsuccessful labor/delivery last time, so I got really anxious just thinking about it. My midwife left me to labor on my own for the next 5 hours. The contractions got more regular, about 4 - 5 minutes apart. She went to check me again, and after all that, I was still only dilated 3 cm. Now, here's where the tough love needed to come in. Because I labored for over 24 hours at this point and progressed very minimally, I had to do something or I was really risking a c-section. Apparently I have some sort of uterine dysfunction. My babies are very high and just don't come down without some sort of intervention. All the contractions were not good for my c-section incision, so I had to allow her to break my water. I was petrified, but I had to extend my faith a bit to trust that this was what was best and would allow me to deliver vaginally.

Instantly, the contractions came on MUCH harder and MUCH faster. Remember now, I haven't slept in over 24 hours and had been contracted for almost 30 hours, so I started to just feel so weak and so tired. I asked for some pain meds, and I was given something that made me sleepy, but at least then I could kinda relax between contractions. I remember that I would stop breathing because I would get so relaxed, and Richard would have to remind me to breathe. But that only lasted about an hour before it wore off. Because of my Group B Strep, it was not safe for my midwife to examine me too often, so I had no idea at this point if I had progressed at all. Out of fear that I'd be too tired and weak to push, I asked for an epidural. The anesthesiologist came in and was somewhat rude. He asked me why the heck I'd want to have a VBAC over just scheduling another c-section. When I told him that it was safer for me and baby, he laughed at me. I was NOT about to have this debate at that time. I had to sit exceptionally still while contracting (and I am not a quite/calm laborer - I scream, punch things, bite things, kick, squeeze, etc.). Apparently the epidural went in perfectly the first time. Only one problem...same problem as last time...you're supposed to go numb. Well, again, I didn't go numb. I felt my legs, I felt all the contractions, I felt the stupid catheter go in, etc. Little did I know that I was already 8 cm dilated (which I learned after getting the epidural) or I wouldn't have even asked for it! (Yes, I know, shoulda, coulda, woulda).

At any rate, I quickly moved along to 10 cm and I was ready to start pushing. I pushed for just about an hour, making my total labor/delivery 32 hours. As with Lydia, everyone thought I'd have an average size baby (maybe 7 1/2 lbs). Well, after all my pushing (which, wow, is that a challenge - it required more strength and endurance than I ever thought I had), I delivered a very healthy and big 8 lb 15 oz baby! No one would have guessed it - I only gained 25 lbs, but as everyone told me, I was all belly.

This experience helped me to reconnect with what I was experiencing when I gave in to having a c-section last time. Perhaps I even forgave myself for not trying harder. But this time, each time I started to doubt myself, thinking I should just give up because I apparently just can't deliver vaginally, my midwife and Richard gave me the courage to keep going. They told me they could see the head. My midwife grabbed the tray with instruments to signal he was coming, she put on a special gown, she called in another nurse, etc. All of these were signs to me that I was doing a good job. My midwife stretched and massaged and did everything she could to help me have the birth I wanted for my family. For that, I am eternally grateful. I can only hope that my career allows me to have a similar impact on the lives of others. It's really quite amazing! Having a standard hospital birth may not be ideal or perfect. I still had to deal with all the postpartum hospital BS, but the guidance and support I received while laboring and delivering was unbelievable.

I love my babies, Lydia Marie and Bryce Cody Wells. They have stolen my heart forever!

One month away! (Day 20 of 30)

Somehow I'm only one month away from our due date and my baby boy being born. I feel prepared, but I also don't feel impatient. It seems like it was just January 11th. I had an appointment with an oral surgeon to get my wisdom teeth pulled. Richard and I "chanced" things on Christmas, so I figured before discussing pain killers and tooth extraction, I should take a pregnancy test. Sure enough, came back positive! I put the test in a gift bag, and pretty much bounced around the house endlessly. Well, until Richard came home. I had Lydia give Richard the bag with the test. He looked somewhat shocked at first, but then get all mushy and was so happy! We told my parents, who were not as thrilled at first. My mom tends to be an overly cautious individual, so she was concerned that I wasn't ready to be pregnant again. I knew everything would be great!

Today we cleaned and organized our house pretty thoroughly. I tend to make little piles around the house of random stuff - bills, coupons, work-related papers, product samples, etc. Sometimes I put the little piles in boxes. Well, today I sorted "stuff" from 4 or 5 of these piles/boxes. Felt good to organize, purge, and find things to donate. Then we organized the garage some. The house will never be "perfect," but it definitely looks a lot better now!

With one month to go, I completed my hospital registration. It will go out in tomorrow's mail. We toured the hospital several weeks ago, and although a hospital birth is not ideal for me, I think the experience will be what we make of it.

Just one more month...

Cleaning out my Closet - My Breastfeeding Adventure!

My mom did not breastfeed me. She said it's because of my jaundice. She tried for a week or two (supplementing with formula), but said that I seemed to like the formula just as much anyway, so why bother? I always grew up thinking that breastfeeding was not so important... or it was something that people who lived in other places did because they didn't have access to formula, bottles, etc.

To let you in on my world a bit, when I was in college, the doctors found a lump in my right breast. I had an ultrasound, and they said it was just a fibroadenoma - basically, some dense tissue. A few years later my doctor mentioned it to me, and she suggested I have another ultrasound just to check it. We compared the results with my previous ultrasound, and the mass had just about doubled in size in a few years. The lump itself wasn't dangerous, but it was suggested to me that I have it removed because if anything formed behind the lump, it could not be detected. I was always self-conscious of my smaller breast size, and this was the smaller of my two breasts. The idea of removing a sizable portion was scary!  So, at that time, I opted for a breast augmentation (and lumpectomy). Unfortunately, the other implant bottomed-out, so I also needed a second surgery to fix that one. I guess after all that, I assumed my breasts just wouldn't work properly one day, and I accepted that as my reality.

When my friends started to have children, some breastfed, some didn't. Those who breastfed were very determined to make it to at least the one-year mark. Those who didn't had the mindset that I began to adopt "I was raised on formula, and I'm just fine!" I remember reading while I was pregnant that toward the end of your pregnancy, you may begin to leak. The day I began leaking was so exciting!  I grabbed the phone to call whoever I could - maybe, against the odds, this breastfeeding thing could actually work!  I told myself that if it did work, I would commit myself to breastfeeding.

As I reflect back now - basically, due to pure stupidity and 21+ hours of labor, I ended up having a c-section. I did get to experience pushing and trying for a vaginal birth, but it just didn't happen. I asked the nursery that they not give her formula or pacifiers when she was born. They honored my desires, so when I awoke after surgery, they wheeled me to the post-partum area, Lydia was placed in my arms, and I got to breastfeed her for the first time. I was so lucky - she took right to it! She latched right on, and everything was awesome... until they told me about her jaundice. They said I had to 'supplement with formula to flush out the jaundice.' I stood in the hallway of the hospital crying as they told me this was no big deal. Well, it was a big deal to me! So, against all my wishes, I supplemented with formula (breastfed first, then formula), and most of the time she just spit it all up. As we were packing the leave the hospital, this awesome lactation consultant came into the room. She told us about her adventures in breastfeeding and home-birthing a breech baby!  Wow! She said that the idea of having to give formula because of Lydia's jaundice was ridiculous. And so... formula gone!

Richard and I used to talk about our friend, Justin Case (get it? just in case?) This friend was always there when you needed someone to bail you out. Well, this time around, Justin Case has been hiding in Lydia's closet. You know those seminars you go to before you give birth? The hospital staff gives you a tour, and they tell you about the wonders of breastfeeding as they hand you a container of Similac. Well, that container has been sitting in Lydia's room since last summer, with an expiration date of April 2010. I guess I left in there 'Justin Case' something happened - I got really ill, my supply diminished. So as I was cleaning my disastrous house yesterday for a playdate, I came across the formula. I saw the expiration date, tore the bottle open, and slowly poured it down the sink. Something about that experience was just so amazing - it was freeing. It was like winning the school spelling bee or completing a semester of college. I set out to provide my child with all the nutrients she needs...and I'm really doing it!

As for my house, it looked really nice yesterday. It's back to disaster central today.